Sex scene, interrupted

She’s on top of me, kissing my mouth, all ecstasy and eyes shut. We’re breathing in and out of each other, in sync, but a part of me knows I’m here more than she is. I watch her while we kiss. I kiss her eyelids because then I don’t have to worry about her catching me look at her with the most meaningful expression like the loved-up dumbass I am right now. We both come up for air, faces remain close, breathing into each other’s mouths so un-selfconciously. Her eyes close slowly like aloe vera jelly and she bites her bottom lip with an exhale in an attempt to compose. I bow my head towards hers because she’s beautiful and she returns the pressure, her forehead against mine (sweaty) and she beckons my lips towards hers with only her chin and goes to kiss my mouth then stops and her pupils do this seagull swoop down to nowhere then back up into mine and Just as she’s about to kiss me she exhales,“I’ve been waiting for you to fuck me for so long” which she says in a bit of a rush and then she’s kissing me again, and again, and again. “I’ve —kiss—been waiting —kiss—so patiently” she says more childishly now. This does a lot for me and I flip her onto the bed then sidle up close next to her. I’m getting closer.

I start pulling down her knickers and she’s smiling. I’m not sure whether it’s entirely genuine but it’s a smile that registers we’re getting closer. It’s a smile I envy in all of its female knowingness. I think I’ve got the green signal to pull down her knickers and Just as I’m about to pull them passed the fattest part of her ass she replaces my hands with hers Which is good because now I’m free to do me I’m unzipping my trousers with one hand and I’ve got the other hand wrapped around her back pulling her closer Her kissing is getting slower and I feel where we’re at with the knickers and notice her hands haven’t moved which I ignore at first and start jiggling my jeans off — I don’t know if this is hesitation or an extra measure of suspense all I can see and smell is her skin and our breath and our

but I

missed the moment. She’s somewhere else. She’s staring at the ceiling and I think I understand the meaning of that expression for the first time.

“Is this okay for you?” I say, kinda rehearsed but also meaning it

“Yeah” she says, but she continues to stare at the ceiling

Then she throws a glance somewhere near

“I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing here.”

(I don’t understand where I went wrong)

“What have sex?”

“Yeah... Im sorry I just, I know myself by now and...”

He draws into himself and uses his elbow to sit up. He puts a hand on the side of her face (firm, like a nurse checking for a fever) and unwillingly he understands. He’s on the same journey to self-satisfaction.

“I... I don’t know if doing this right now will make me happy tomorrow... do you know what I mean?”

The same question is asked by both in silence

It would feel good, but, they might fall asleep not touching, and then they might wonder where all the feelings go after you come?

She says this out loud:

“I mean, no sex, no drugs… should we just have a normal night for once?”

They both look from side to side and wonder where to begin with normal boy and girl hanging out

and suddenly she’s very slinky as she moves across the bed

and he’s like scoffing gesturing to it like what?

And she laughs it says well, now its in the air again—the sex… cos we’re not doing it

And that makes me really want to fuck her

But what am I supposed to do?

Convince her to fuck me then feel doubly empty at the end?

So I’m annoyed at how wise she’s being

And her nobility makes me want to fuck her too

Its a savage multi-layered semi circle tbh.

So we didn’t have sex... but it was like the pressure valve had been released anyway

And we started having fun. It doesn’t always work like this of course

But tonight it does.