This blog started because I wanted to use up this notebook I had lying around…
I think at the time I was feeling distressed—for various reasons—and therefore sought to create a personal vision of order by sorting out my bookshelf, once and for all.
This meant working out which books belonged to me & I to them and which ones I could (safely) pass on…
This way if I ever became a missing person or a suspect in a murder trial the detective could walk into my bedroom, study my bookshelf, and stroke their chin—aha! So she’s that kind of girl?
The bookshelf could be an accurate display case for my soul.
Which was at odds with the way it looked at the time because it was filled with Classics and books I thought I should read—reading this now I hear a secret sub-text saying: Tilly what if you die? What will you leave behind? What will they remember you for? What if they forget?
One year on and writing this blog has genuinely assuaged this feeling.
I’m no longer trying to ward off death here.
Because even if I never posted again, (unlike my social media) I feel there’s some bit of me on the internet now. Some bit of me I back.
Why why why this? (take 2)
Broadly
Self-service
Service to others
More specifically
Doing this blog takes me back to the books which shaped me and forwards to the ones which will. I need routine and form to stay tight and keep going.
If you’re going to do something as indulgent but necessary as writing you may as well be generous whilst you’re doing it and feed the flame of someone else’s life-fire (read their novel, engage with it.)
The prospect of finding the perfect book is an incredibly personal thing and yet if I could point you towards a few more excellent reading experiences wouldn’t that be a really great thing? And perhaps you don’t always have the time or the energy to find your own gold? Maybe I could strike for you?
Studying English literature probably gave my thoughts a false sense of importance which I’m not willing to let go of yet. I’d like to spend my whole life reading and writing to the best of my ability. I’d like to be good at it. I’d like to improve. By doing it here (in public) I’m taking my practice to the park (local). The fear of judgement is productive.
I always found the phrase “know thyself” haunting because I could tell it was important but didn’t quite know what it meant exactly or how to do it… I still don’t. But going through my bookshelf and writing down my thoughts feels like it could be getting close. Books make for these human holding posts because unlike us they don’t change. They provide us with these beautiful and convenient pivots for us to swim up to, turn around (underwater) next to, and push off against after—until one day perhaps, when we return to it and in the extended moment we can become aware of our own change, over time—something which is very hard to do because we are the babies we are always with. We see ourselves change.
I want to be more nomadic but I got too much stuff. Especially books. They’re heavy. And precious. I don’t like the idea of storing them in a dank box to return to at a later date. It’s inefficient, mind-heavy and stupid when places like libraries exist.
Game plan for freedom (from my own books)
Step 1: Separate the 300 or so books I own into these 3 groups:
GROUP A - These are books I need to own for sentimental reasons like their inscriptions or their former owners. These can go into a storage box. (I won’t feel guilty.)
GROUP B - There are bad contemporary novels I gave a chance or genuinely excellent books that I can mine for information then pass on. I will store some of the information I glean from these books on this blog so it’s weightless but close at hand…
GROUP C - These are the books that I can give away to a charity shop or sell at a car boot. Most of these are classics which I could pick up for cheap anywhere at a later point in time. I don’t need to own them now.
Step 2: I will deal with the books in GROUP B first by picking them up and reading them.
As I make my way through I will try to transcribe my reading experience into a dedicated notebook or blog and then when it’s time to get rid I will feel way more comfortable letting go because I’ve created a permanent and formal connection with it on the Internet. I can also write my name on the inside cover.
I think it would be fun and illuminating if more people did this.
You can subscribe to get my “book reviews” in your email inbox
Or you can just check up on me from time to time like a retired policeman…
Very practically,
(but with fishnets under my brogues)
Tilly